Today I am experiencing an embarrassment of wellness. More than a year and a half ago I was diagnosed with Leptomeningeal disease (a deadly metastasis of breast cancer) and given a year to a year and a half to live. This was a generous projection, due to my 'excellent state of health' going into the diagnosis. Not only am I not dead, but I am not sick. Yes, I still have some cancer cells in my brain and they may be increasing, but very slowly.
I truly thought I was dying - that while I might feel better in the short term, the progression would inevitably be downhill and toward death. I wasn't hung up on the time frame. I knew it could be longer or shorter, but that it was destined to happen. There simply was no evidence from doctors or in my personal research that anything else could happen.
Life was a lot easier. I put 6-month dentist check-ups, the annual Pap smear and other 'health maintenance' programs on permanent hold. I didn't worry how long my aging Saab would hold up, as it likely would out-last me. I felt little fear or anxiety. This detachment from the issues of my life expanded to include detachment from the issues of the world. No longer did I need to worry about the environment, about people killing each other in the name of religion, about corruption, excess consumption etc. etc. As I lay dying, I gradually detached from the human race. From this perspective I could truly see that all these problems were simply the results of our humanness. I felt great compassion for humans, for their fears and their flaws. I felt connected to all things both animate and inanimate. I was in a spiritual state of grace.
Though I was floating slightly above the human plane, I did get busy with the business of dying. I considered what I wanted to happen to my body. I put my worldly house in order, including the boxes in the basement. I planned my memorial service. Trouble was that as soon as I started feeling better, 'human' nature returned. I was delivered with a crash to sub-human when the third round of chemo - an experimental one - caused me a deep depression. As I crawled back from that hole, I understood that there are worse things than dying.
But crawl back I did. I started feeling better a year ago as the effects of the chemo wore off. I had a hard time trusting it. But gradually, one week at a time and then one holiday at a time, I noticed my energy was steady. I was feeling my old self. Only, it was my old self who had aged ten years in one. This is a not too often discussed effect of cancer treatment. One is just so darned glad to be alive.
Today, I feel great. I am able to diet and exercise. (I gained 20+ pounds in a year, seemingly all around my middle.) The doctors are baffled and delighted. I'm on 6-month check ups. Unbelievable! My spiritual center has returned, very firmly grounded on the human plane this time. Though it is reassuring to me that when I really am close dying, that wonderful state of grace will return. I will have the potential to float again, to know no fear. (This is not unique to me, I've seen it in the women in my cancer support group as they approached their deaths.)
So I am planning next year's garden; trusting that my Saab, with gentle use, will go the distance. I value the time I get to spend with those I love, because it gives me great joy - not because it may be my last chance to be with them. However, I do go out into the sunshine without sun block and I have not yet scheduled a dental check up. It's my bid at living dangerously!
webmaster@starprana.com
